When fellow stepmother Andrea Daly asked me to be a guest writer for her over at The Coventry Telegraph I was thrilled and flattered to be asked. When she then requested that I write a piece on being that most mis-understood and mis-maligned breed of parent, the Wicked Stepmother, I practically bit her hand off. a) because I AM a stepmother and b) because I love to grasp any opportunity I can to undo the Wicked Stepmother myth where possible and open people's eyes to the realities of being married to a man with children.
Stepmothers, very often, get a particularly rough deal. Most people are more inclined to feel sympathy toward the heart broken children, the struggling, single biological mother, or the "weekend" dad. It is rare for anyone to feel empathy for the stepmother who is often seen as the "homewrecker" despite her being nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage.
We are the final nail in the coffin of a relationship that others believe may have been salvaged had we not have made an appearance. The cards are stacked against us long before we say "I do".
Here are the stats that I may have mentioned once or twice before, for those that haven't seen them!
**More than half of all adult women in the U.S. will marry a man with children. The numbers in the UK are not far behind.
**70% of remarriages where both partners have kids, will fail.
**63% of marriages with a childless woman married to a man with children will fail.
**The greatest predictor of divorce is the presence of children from a previous marriage.
**Divorce rates are 50% higher in remarriages with children than in those without.
**Studies show that resentment towards stepmothers is much more intense than negative attitudes towards stepfathers.
**The evil stepmother myth is alive and well in the 21st century.
It's true. Whilst male step-fathers are often viewed by others as heroic, "taking on her kids" and swooping in to save the fair maiden from a life of domestic drudgery and single mother-dom, step-mothers, paradoxically, are seen as someone who rides in on her broomstick and "takes Dad away". We are to be treated with suspicion, hostility and resentment.
It is very, very common for step-children to be jealous of a new stepmother figure. These are children who, not only feel very strong loyalty binds to their mother and anger and sadness about their parents split, but also may be used to having Dad to themselves during weekend visitation. But now, his attention isn't solely on them, they become jealous of her.
They project their anger about their parent's divorce onto the new step-mother as she is the "safer" target, and some even attempt to break up the relationship (a concept LOVED by Hollywood - think "the Parent Trap"). Despite the fact that, as is more often the case, stepmother was nothing to do with the breakup and came along much later on, and may well happen to be a jolly nice person also.
Then what happens is this. Step-mother, all too aware of the Wicked Stepmother stories, and the children's hostility, begins to go to extreme lengths to prove that she is nice and not wicked at all. She will literally bend over backwards to get the children to like her. This can become heartbreaking when, through no fault of her own, she fails, time and time again.
Kiss goodbye to your self-esteem!
But it is not just the children in the situation that can be problematic. Having another woman around her children can be highly traumatic for the biological mother and may bring out the territorial lioness in her as she goes to extreme lengths to remove the threat. After all, she didn't have any say in having this new "mother figure" thrust into their children's lives.
Some mothers may lay down ridiculous rules about stepmothers not being able to be there when the children visit, or kiss and cuddle them. Some even prevent their children from seeing their father all together. (Leading to Parental Alienation Syndrome - but that's a whole other post!) She may also, be very used to still having her ex at her beck and call "for the sake of the kids" resulting in her attempting to compete with stepmum for his attentions and "The No.1 spot".
Other problems a stepmother may face include resentment from her husbands' family. As it is usually the biological mother that has primary custody, often times, the outlaws "side" with the biological mother through fear of losing their grandchild/niece/nephew etc... Again, anger gets projected at the step-mother, who despite not being responsible for the break up, is a "safer" target and made a scapegoat for the changes that have happened.
Another problem can be the children's father himself, who often snatches precious little time with his little dahlings, and feels huge guilt for leaving them. He may spend his whole life trying to make it up to them.
This includes spoiling them, a lack of rules and structure, and not disciplining them when they really deserve to be disciplined. Unfortunately, not only do they grow into some pretty spoilt and obnoxious adults, but it can also make Stepmother's ideas on acceptable behaviour seem very strict.
This does nothing to enhance her popularity, especially if "guilty dad" doesn't back up her attempts to discipline, essentially giving the children carte blanche to ignore and disrespect any of stepmothers expectations.
Of course not all stepmothers experience all of these problems. Some don't experience any. If the bio-mum is reasonable, the children are young and accepting of a new parental figure, dad doesn't have "guilt" issues and the inlaws are non-possessive of the children, then things can be a proverbial bed of roses. I'm pretty lucky in that I have most of these boxes ticked although it hasn't always been that way.
Of course it's rare that all of these requirements are aligned at the same time. If that's you - consider yourself VERY lucky!
But all is not lost. There are pluses to this stepmothering gig. If, like me, you are "child free and loving it" then having step-children can be quite a nice little compromise really. Although you don't get to experience the "joy" of motherhood, and you'll never replace their real mum, you do get to play a big part in shaping who they will eventually become. And the hugs, kisses and "I love you's" that I get from my stepkids make it all worth it (yes, I'm afraid I'm one of the lucky ones - my stepkids were young when I came on the scene and are allowed to love me, unlike many). And all of this without the responsibility, expense, heartache and general hardwork of full time bio kids. Oh.... and I managed to skip the sleepless nights/crappy nappy part as well.
Result!
2.
